Monday, February 15, 2010
Your Evil Twin and You
Hi, I’m Noah. This summer my wife and I are having twins … our house is never going to stop smelling like excrement.
So the first question you have to ask, when you’re having twins, is “how can I tell if one of my twins is evil?”
We’re all familiar with the idea of the evil twin. Soap Operas use them all the time, so do cartoons and science fiction. So if one of your twins is evil, you really need to look for warning signs before he straps you to a load of dynamite or steals the identity of the good twin in order to seize control of your company.
I’ve done some research into this and I’m going to present some of the warning signs to look out for.
Part One: During Pregnancy
(SUBTITLE: 1)DIFFERENT IN-UTERO MOVEMENTS)
Does one baby kick and the other baby stab?
(SUBTITLE: 2) UNUSUAL FOOD CRAVINGS)
In addition to normal food cravings, do you also hunger for the blood of virgins?
(SUBTITLE: 3) FETAL DEMON FLAMES)
On the ultrasound, does one baby seem to have a ring of fire surrounding them?
Part Two: At Birth
(SUBTITLE: 1) VISUAL CLUES)
Is one baby born with a goatee or eye-patch?
(SUBTITLE: 2) POSSESSED FUNICULUS UMBILICALUS)
When you cut the umbilical cord on one baby, do wailing evil spirits come out?
(SUBTITLE: 3) SUSPICIOUS PALINDROME)
When you get the birth certificates, do you suddenly notice that one baby has the same name as the first baby, just spelled backwards?
Part Three: Once You Get Them Home
(SUBTITLE: 1) DIFFERENCES IN VOCALIZATION)
When one baby cries, does the other cackle?
(SUBTITLE: 2) ATTIRE)
Does one baby show a marked preference for double-breasted onesies and black cloaks?
(SUBTITLE: 3) SUSPICIOUSLY PRETENTIOUS DRINKING
When you give one baby his bottle, does he swirl it around like a brandy snifter?
(SUBTITLE: 4) EVIL TASTE IN MUSIC)
Does one baby refuse to listen to the Wiggles, preferring instead “O Fortuna” from Carmina Burana and John Williams’
(SUBTITLE: 5) EVIL ACCENT)
Does one baby speak baby talk with an English or German accent?
(SUBTITLE: 5 EVIL STUFFED ANIMAL (yes, there are two number fives. Hey! I'm new at this)
Does one of the babies reject his teddy bear and instead stroke a stuffed white cat, absentmindedly?
(SUBTITLE: 6) FIRST WORDS)
Is one twin’s first word “Dada” and the other’s first word is “Triumph!”?
So, if one of your twins is exhibiting any of these warning signs, there are steps you can take.
1) Send the child to private school in Europe. Make sure this school stresses horseback riding, fencing, and falconry. An evil child needs to channel his energy into wholesome pursuits like these. Can you imagine an evil horseman with a sword and a pet falcon? Wow. That would be awesome.
2) Sell the child to gypsies. Now, before you get upset, I’m not talking about actual Roma people. The Roma people live very modern lives and are productive members of twenty-first century society. So they are not useful for our purposes. I don’t mean the actual people who have been called the offensive term “gypsy” I mean non-Roma people who have adopted the stereotypical “gypsy” lifestyle. I mean real, travelling caravan, campfire and tambourine gypsies, someone who can teach your evil twin arcanna and magicks and potions, and foster in them a thirst for revenge against the world that has done them wrong. As I am saying this, I forget why I thought it was a good idea.
3) Apprentice the evil twin to a pirate. A life at sea will fill up your child’s lungs with good salty air and wash away all the evil. Plus, since your baby probably already has an eye-patch, this life is just a natural.
The good news about having an evil twin is that the other twin will be pure good. Nobody ever heard of an evil twin and a mediocre twin. So, for every murder, arson, or corporate takeover the evil twin will commit, you know the good one will open a hospital or save a busload full of orphans or what have you.
So, am I worried that one of my twins will be evil? Of course. What rational person wouldn’t be. Luckily, I have my own evil twin. His name is Haon and he has already agreed to adopt the evil one, should it come to that. Right, Haon?
HAON: Yes, yes, precisely. Everything is proceeding precisely according to plan.
NOAH: Haon’s a great guy. I mean, sure, periodically he’ll knock me out and leave me tied up in a closet so he can assume my identity to perpetrate an evil scheme. But … well, boys will be boys.
Talk to you soon. Bye!